Saturday, June 16, 2012


With fear and trepidation, I come. Reminders of pain in the past nearly stop my breath. What if You ask for it all? Can I be content to fix my gaze on You no matter what is demanded of me? Remind me, Oh Lord, that You are not out to kill me. The enemy has that job. You long to give me life. Take my dreams and sift through them. Let only the ones from You remain. Cast the others far from my mind that I may be wholly Yours.

I penned these words during one of my times with the Lord. Jesus was lovingly inquiring if I trusted Him. My first response was like Peter's. "Of course, I do." Immediately, my husband's face flashed through my mind and then the images of my children. "Do you trust me with these?" My response was slower, for you see, I come from a line of early widows. I have also felt the pain of losing a child. With a sigh, I answer "yes", but I immediately want a plea bargain.

Again, I am asked. This time I reflected on my years lived. Not once could I think of a time where Jesus abandoned me. Yes, there have been deep valleys, but He was there. He has danced with me in moments of joy. He has cried with me , held my hand and carried me. He has protected me and loved me. He has been there through it all. So, with open arms lifted up I relinquished my earthly treasures and wrote out the above prayer. It is a lifelong prayer.

"Choose for yourself this day whom you shall serve. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

Monday, May 21, 2012

Through her eyes

She is my last biological child. My pregnancy with her was disturbing. Days of no movement, periods of little activity, more ultrasounds than I care to remember. There are no words to describe the relief I felt when she was finally born - alive! We had been down the road of delivering a stillborn child once before. It was a sorrow I never wanted to feel again.

Life resumed, and we thought all was "normal". A few years later, this precious girl was not speaking. Tests began. Ear tubes allowed her to hear, but normal speech aquisition did not follow. More tests, more issues. A period of sadness followed as we struggled with a new normal in our family.

The diagnosis is minimal in the scheme of life. She has a learning disability which greatly effects her memory. At nine years of age, she still cannot remember the names of her Aunts and Uncles that she sees fairly often. Reasoning skills - just not there. Common household appliances cannot be recollected; dishwasher, microwave, oven, etc.

The sadness appears each time I hear that a child at school has called her "dummy" and doesn't want to play with her. My heart feels the pangs when adults wonder what exactly is wrong. She doesn't fit into the mainstream of life. And, until a few days ago, I mistakenly wanted her to.

I had fallen into the lies of society which look at mans' outward appearance. But God, He looks at the heart, and Olivia's heart is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

We celebrated a belated Mothers' Day last Saturday. In the midst of some special time with 2 of my nephews, Livi runs up to me and says she made a new friend; would I come meet her. The excitement in her voice and her giggles were contagious. I followed her outside, and then I saw. Her new friend has many special needs. To most, she is overlooked.

The girl's mother walked over to me. She said something that I won't soon forget. "How beautiful of your daughter to be my daughter's friend. She doesn't have any outside of the specialized school she attends." I thanked God right then and there for making Olivia so perfectly! She sees. She sees the things of God, the things most people disregard. Thank you, Jesus, for entrusting me with this precious child who is helping her mama to "see" too.